Secret...

"i've been wondering lately if I belong where i am. if the choices i am making are ones i need to be, if i should be doing something else.. I'm still feeling like I don't quite fit where I am right now and I can't figure out how to change it"
                       -anonymous

Secret Sunday

This picture amazes me, it's completely unretouched. They say the eyes are windows to the soul...

Hey everyone welcome to the third round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.

2) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right not to post anything which appears to be submitted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right to include submissions that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.

3) I'd like everyone to please refrain from negatively commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else. Everyone has feelings and I want to see them respected, therefore I won't be posting inappropriate comments.

4) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You may copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

One Man's Experience of Orgasm

here

With my talk of female orgasm in the past, one reader felt it would be good to show things from a male perspective...


"So what does it feel like for a man to have an orgasm? Well, I don't think it's nearly as complex as it is for women.  I can only speak from how I feel but I'll describe it from different areas (masturbation, oral sex and intercourse) because for me the experience is different for each one.   
 
  Through masturbation.  I have a pretty high sex drive, I need to get off at least twice a day so I often have to take matters into my own hands. :)  Although I don't enjoy cumming through self-stimulation as much as by fucking or oral, it's much easier to reach orgasm this way than any other.  When I'm masturbating I know exactly where I'm at, what my body's telling me.  How fast or slow to go, what intensity I can handle.  How sensitive the tip of my cock or my balls are.  Without my partner present I don't have to indicate if I'm close to cumming, I just know. So if I want to ejaculate right there I will.  Otherwise I instinctively know when to slow down and just enjoy the sensation.  So orgasm for me is incredibly controllable.

  What I experience when I cum depends on how worked up I get.  Sometimes something has turned me on so much during the day that I want to and can release right away.  Usually though I find the more time I take; rubbing my balls, getting myself just to the brink of cumming and then holding back, produces tremendously intense orgasms.  It's the same effect as foreplay before intercourse.

  As far as how orgasm feels?  If I'm really horny and just want to get off quickly, it's a very localized feeling.  Not too satisfying sexually but it gets my mind back on other things for the day, it's like scratching an itch. I know women are very familiar with what that's like.  If I've had a good masturbation session then I cum like a freight train, it can be really intense. My heart races, face flushes, I get very hot and sweaty and can barely breathe to the point where I've almost passed out a few times.  When I cum I can feel my balls constrict, sometimes feeling the semen squirt through my cock.  The more I've held off, the more I usually produce.

  Amazingly when I masturbate for my girlfriend (she loves to watch me ejaculate), if I'm holding onto her when I cum I notice my strength has increased about five times.  No shit, physically I feel incredibly powerful and much stronger than usual.  Adrenelin combined with testosterone maybe? I don't know.
 
  Through oral. I've read that masturbation can spoil you for other forms of sex because you're most in control of your orgasm.  I think this is true to a point.  I love oral sex, both giving and getting.  But for me it's my least favourite way of reaching orgasm because I find it difficult to get there in the first place.

  I know it's not psychological, I have no hesitation ejaculating during oral whether in her mouth or not. My girlfriend makes the experience very pleasurable (I love having my balls played with and the feeling of her having me inside her mouth) but once I do cum the tip of my cock gets very sensitive and the feeling of her tongue on it is usually too much.  So the feeling here is generally quite localized, not as satisfying because there's that distraction.  It's almost too amazing, like sensory overload.
 
  Through intercourse.  Again, orgasm is more satisfying because there's the element of control.  More when I'm on top, less when she is.  Depending on position I can hold off cumming simply by slowing down.  But when she spurs me on and I want to reach it, if I've been holding off for a while and start pounding like a jackhammer the feeling is amazingly intense.  It's so satisfying to have that release inside her. I usually feel my whole cock constrict when I'm fucking, more than any other form of sex (it's kind of interesting when I think about it). 

  The feeling of orgasm this way is so different for me than any other because it's so involved.  Two bodies sweating, slapping against each other, breathless, her legs wrapped around me sometimes.  Just the feeling of my cock inside her drives the intensity of my orgasm.  It's pretty consuming because my entire body is involved, all muscles tense until that final release and all my energy goes into it.

  The feeling of reaching ejaculation is incredibly satisfying.  It's like there's this tremendous amount of stress which all of a sudden vanishes.  The experience of cumming, seeing the semen squirt from my cock turns me on sometimes.  Everything about the moment is pleasurable, and it's all I can focus on at the moment. I'm not sure what your experience is or what it's like for other guys, it's not generally something we talk about around the water cooler. lol"


By the way for those of you who like the photo in this post, check out Cloud 9. The photography is gorgeous, the site is filled with very erotic black and white pictures.

Crazysexybeautiful 2- Steve Hanks' nude watercolours

I can't think of any artist who conveys the mystery and allure of Woman as Steve Hanks does. His passion for the female form is very evident in his watercolour paintings, the way he captures the play of light on these figures is nothing short of exquisite. I could look at his work all day.

"All art is an escape to somewhere you want to be or a feeling you want to have. People see different things in my paintings because we all have different backgrounds and feelings," he says. "Women occupy a special niche in my sensitivity. They express more storytelling ability. There's more magic in them."


Amen.

I'll start with the first painting I ever saw of his, which is probably still my favourite.

Reflecting

A Mother's Pride

Casting Her Shadow

Comfort In Solitude

Forever A Mystery

Her Domain

Morning Bath

Wonders Of A Woman

Incidentally Steve Hanks doesn't portray strictly nude subjects; he has also done some gorgeous vignettes which often feature children at play. Check here for more of his work.

Secret...

"Sometimes I worry about all the money I'm paying into college, the loans I will never pay back, I wish I could just move away and just be that party girl that I never was, and everyone else gets to be instead of being the responsible one."


-anonymous

Unforgettable

      

 Unforgettable 

Your body bare and wonderful before me
Writhing exquisitely upon your lover,
Hips firm and straddled
As you slowly make love.

Room dim, the music pumps emphatically
Still you sway to your own rhythm.
Aware of my presence,
Yet oblivious
Blissfully accepting of my gaze.

Long hair cascades over your brow
Partially concealing your face,
But none of your pleasure.
Casting a sideways glance
You look deeply into me,
And at this moment we're no longer strangers.

I sweep the dark mane aside
To see the story in your eyes
Bursts of light that dance within
Fade in the sunset of your eyelids
As he moves within you.
My God you're beautiful.

You take my hand in yours
Placing it on the smooth orb of your bottom
I seek out every inch of you here,
Your back, your shoulders.
Muscles tighten and release in response
As you move beneath my touch,
Upon his.

You raise yourself in silent invitation
To explore the nearest breast.
I knead it, soft and warm beneath my fingers.
My arousal mounting.

Everything surrounding melts away
Leaving only our bodies, our desire.
And seemingly as soon as it began it's over.

Days pass as seconds
And I play this moment in my mind
Forever captivated
By this vision of you.


Graphic from Deviant Art

Secret Sunday-Favourite Fantasies

I was planning to post part two of last year's secrets in review, but I've decided that rather than posting more than eighty at once I'll post them daily as time allows. Today I'll ask a question instead, feel free to answer anonymously:


"What is your most powerful fantasy and who would you have fulfill it?"
 
 
 

A Greater Understanding: Living With An Alcoholic Parent

This is the latest in my "Greater Understanding" series.  These posts introduce things in life that many of us may never experience, through the words of some of you who have lived them. They're not always comfortable to talk about, not always pleasant, but I really believe we need to open more dialogue if we're ever to understand what some people go through.  Because it's only by understanding that we can create empathy and compassion.

  This entry was generously submitted by a reader.  I spent my teen years and most of my twenties around my alcoholic stepfather, so story hits home with me. I want to thank her for submitting it.
                                             ____________________

   My father was a most complicated man, distancing us not only from him, but never allowing us contact with his family. An alcoholic, the damage he inflicted on all of us was significant and evident today in all of our relationships. I think my mother tolerated him and had somewhat of a relief when he died, at home unexpectedly. I couldn't cry or even mourn at his death. In fact, given all the odd things surrounding his death, we were surprised that they didn't think we knocked him off. I have been told by a therapist that adult children of alcoholics have a hard time having fun. I wonder if they have a hard time feeling grief too.


  “He’s a diabetic” I tell the coroner.. “Was a diabetic…” I correct myself as if she thought differently. Her eyes darted from the whiskey glass and half empty beer dregs to the empty bowls with their tacky film of melted ice cream. She opened the drawer. A carelessly tossed pile of chocolate bars. For the kids…I explain. A legal paper lay on the crowded table. I eyed it, relieved we had signed it a few days before.

  It has been hours now. Perhaps three or four. Since I arrived. …. The policeman is still sitting at his guard post in the living room chatting politely to the steady parade of visitors for whom I make tea. And phone calls. He has to wait for the coroner he tells us after the rescue people had left. We find no end to the small talk we make as he sat with us. He must have thought us strong, and brave and “like a rock”, admiring our composure and lack of hysteria. Perhaps he thought we would fall apart as soon as he lft, dissolving into uncontrollable tears.

  I had gotten there as quickly as possible. I had to make calls and arrangements for someone to take care work for me. Besides, someone was already there….so I thought. Someone had to have told her he was dead. She wouldn`t have just assumed on her own.

  When I arrived around 20 minutes later, she was on the phone. Her voice tense and shrill. She was alone. I went to see. Then took the phone from her and dialed 911. The dispatcher tried to talk me through it. It took me a bit to explain that I couldn’t do it, not because I was afraid, but because it had been hours. Sometime in the night.

   After the rescue crews left, we waited for the coroner and then the people from the funeral home, and were left awkwardly with the lone policeman….intruding on our space. We weren`t to be left alone with the body they told us. In the meantime, she flushed his pills in the toilet and made arrangements for his golf clubs. Eating her breakfast. Carefully drying her washcloth in the microwave like she did everyday.

   A small “gathering” . Some words….We had been asked to compile a list……I couldn’t think of anything so I didn’t contribute. His all time favourite song was played….I remember thinking “how could Charlotte Church” be his lifelong favourite. She was only 16 year old. Who on earth were they talking about….we never sang songs in the car together……

  My eyes were drawn to a woman at the back…..the only person crying. She was sobbing….I shrugged when asked who she was……She rose to speak….My heart started to pound. I suddenly felt queasy. A waitress from the pub. She had her own list. Long, emotional, devoted words a dear friend to this incredible kind and generous man. She wept. My mouth fell open with disbelief. Hey Lady, I think you got the wrong wake.

   She skipped the 5 stages of grief and went right to acceptance. The rest of us mourned, not for what we had lost, but for what we never had.

One Woman's Experience Of Orgasm

The topics of conversation with some of my blogging friends have varied widely; from relationships to self-esteem and self-image, to searching for direction in life and generally just trying to make sense of it all. Occasionally, with those of you who are most comfortable, the subject of sexuality comes up along the way.

I'm fortunate to experience these moments as I've been learning a lot. Books are one thing but nothing compares to first-hand accounts, and it's nice to be trusted enough to have such personal things shared with me. I'm also very lucky to have a relationship in which my wife and I allow each other freedom to discuss these areas with others. I wouldn't have these conversations without Sandy's consent, and she's been amazing.

I'm posting one woman's account, in her own words, of how she experiences orgasm.  This is taken from a conversation we had recently...



  "What does it feel like to have a vaginal orgasm you ask? I have actually only experienced it twice. Both times with my ex. I didn't realize I was even cumming because there was so many other sensations going on all at once. I do remember that both times it occurred we had been going at it pretty rough. I kinda like it rough. What can I say? ;) He had came and was slowing down and as the sensation of him pounding me stopped I realized my body was still shaking and I felt my vaginal walls gripping him. He stopped and looked at me and came again.

  "He was as surprised as me because I had never came with a guy before. I don't know what it is but I usually cannot cum with a guy inside of me (even if I'm touching myself or he's touching me during sex). If he's not in me I can masturbate and cum in a heartbeat but if he's inside of me for some reason I can't quite make it over the hump. I'm constantly right on the edge of cumming. When I was cumming with him though, I remember one minute just having my body shake uncontrollably but then I stiffened and stopped breathing and it just felt like my whole body was cumming. I don't know how to accurately describe it. It's as if energy was shooting out from all over my body simultaneously. Afterwards I just lay there in shock and giggling. Yes, I giggle with the last waves of pleasure as they leave my body.

  "When it comes to a clitoral orgasm, it completely depends on whether I've been holding off masturbating for a while to build up the release or if I'm just unbelievably horny and need to get off immediately. If I've let it build up, when I start getting close it feels as if all the energy of my body is being pulled away from every other part. It's all being pulled into my stomach and my vagina. It's centred in my core. As I'm rubbing it starts to get more forceful and pronounced. My stomach muscles tighten, my back arches, I stop breathing and my ass cheeks tighten as well. Everything around me has disappeared and if there's a breeze around during that time, my body is so sensitive at this point the feel of the breeze along my tummy nearly makes me cum.

  "When I start to cum, the first thing I notice is that my body gets even more tense than I thought possible at the same time the first spasm occurs. Since I've been building up to this moment for a few days, my vaginal walls clamp down so hard and holds there for a couple seconds before doing quick pulsating movements. My toes curl, my breathing is either still stopped or barely there, my body is shaking uncontrollably and I don't even know my own name. It's such a state of euphoria at that moment that nothing can break that. If there's anything else you'd like me to explain or something you'd like for me to elaborate on, please don't hesitate to ask.

  "As to which I enjoy more, I don't feel it's fair for me to say which one I enjoy more because I've only experienced vaginal orgasm twice. I know I can get off through clitoral stimulation. Especially through masturbation. And no, I do not use toys. I have them but I don't like using them. I prefer a hot sweaty body under, over or beside me. I can't get into the right state of mind to enjoy using a toy. I keep thinking to myself that I know it's just me moving the vibrator or dildo in and out of myself. It doesn't turn me on. However, when used in conjunction with another person while they're kissing all on me, that's a whole different ball game. I'm guessing because I know it's not me actually doing the work. Am I the only woman who can't get off by using toys inside of me? I can use a vibrator on my clit but that too takes much longer than it would if I just used my hands as usual.

  "As for what I think about, it ranges. The last time I masturbated I thought about my last webcam session with (my boyfriend). An hour later when I had to do it again, I thought about having another three-way. Sometimes I'll watch porn as well but it has to be porn where there's lots of moaning or screaming or grunting. I need the noise. That's what gets me off. The sounds. Come to think of it, maybe that's why masturbating with a toy doesn't work for me. I don't get to hear the sounds associated with sex. Balls slapping against me, the other person moaning, me moaning, my ass being slapped. Hmm, who knows. What's your take on this conundrum?

  "No, I haven't had multiple orgasms. Yet. I'm usually much too sensitive after about the first 10 seconds so I have to stop touching myself and just ride out my orgasm. Maybe one day though it'll happen for me. I know you didn't ask this but I've also never had a G-Spot orgasm. I've come really close before through anal but he came just as I was getting to the brink. I'd really like to experience one."



If anyone cares to e-mail me or comment (anonymously of course), I'm curious to know how this compares to your experience.

Coping With Loss

 

Those of you who know me are aware that I'll talk about anything, there's really no subject I'm uncomfortable discussing. But when it comes to death I usually struggle for words.  I don't know what to say to someone who's grieving, there's little consolation to be found when a loved one is lost.  I came across this poem on someone's blog a while ago, it had a tremendous affect on me and has stayed with me since.

   I post this for those of you who are struggling with the loss of someone. I hope you'll find some peace in these words.

                                                               

Gone From My Sight

by Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,

spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts

for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck

of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,

hull and spar as she was when she left my side.

And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"

there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices

ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...

The Lover's Dance (erotic short)

 I composed this a while ago, not sure if I'll write the intro or ending but I kind of like the way it stands as a vignette.  I'd love to hear your thoughts...

  The Lovers' Dance  

   Dan and his friend each took a seat in the bedroom, in comfortable proximity to the 'stage' where this performance was about to begin. The boys were completely undressed now, cocks stiff and throbbing in anticipation. But this was all about the girls. Twenty-two-year-old Amber sat before Lauren on the king-sized bed, her dress pooled around her waist, held bunched apprehensively between her thighs. Gazing upwards, she fixed her soft green eyes upon the lithe woman.

"Do you want me?" she asked.

Lauren melted at the uncertainty in the younger woman's face. "Oh God honey," she responded, trembling almost imperceptibly at the thought of things to come. She sat beside Amber on the bed and, brushing away a strand of auburn hair covering the girl's brow, leaned in closer and whispered, "The things I want to do to you..."

   The twenty-four-year-old nuzzled the side of Amber's neck, gently nibbling her ear lobe. The girl swept back her mane in surrender, and Lauren was delighted to find that she had thoughtfully placed a dab of light perfume behind each ear. The scent was irresistible, intoxicating. She wondered what other parts of this young woman's body had received the same care. Lauren withdrew slightly, and cupping Amber's face in her hands, pulled her in gently. She began tracing the outline of the girl's mouth with her tongue. The young woman responded in kind, parting her moist lips. Soon they were engaged in a feverish kiss, tongues probing, tasting each other. Sexual excitement mounting.

   Lips still locked, the older woman slipped the spaghetti straps of the girl's dress gently off her shoulders and let the garment cascade down her slender frame to her waist. Lauren broke the kiss, leaning back to admire her gift. Amber's delicately-laced blue bra played off nicely against her milky white skin. Her breasts were smaller, and wonderfully firm. The twenty-two year old gazed into her eyes and the kiss resumed. Reaching behind the young woman's back, she unfastened the clasps of her bra, peeling it back off her shoulders and down her arms. Lauren cupped the delicate swell of each tit in her hands, tracing around the pink, stiffening nipples. She ran her mouth downwards to Amber's chest, replacing fingers with tongue. The girl tilted her head back as Lauren took a breast into her mouth, teasing the swollen areola in light circles with her tongue then applying more pressure against the hard nub. Amber felt shocks of electricity run through her as the nipple involuntarily stiffened in response. As Lauren aggressively suckled her boob, the younger woman felt the dampness between her legs increase. The boys sat quietly, almost unaware they were stroking their hardened erections as they observed the pair. Flushed skin betrayed their arousal.

 "Stand up," Lauren whispered.

  The twenty-two-year-old did as she was told, letting her dress fall to the floor around her feet and stepped out of it. The girls positioned themselves on the bed, kneeling in front of each other. Without a word Amber unfastened her partner's blouse; Lauren responded in kind by unzipping her skirt and removing it. The girl smiled, tracing the outline of Lauren's chest. She freed the woman's larger breasts from the confines of her bra and paused momentarily, allowing her eyes to roam over her beautiful tanned skin before returning the favour. She lovingly suckled each dark nipple, making pleasurable sounds as if nursing. The older girl exhaled a deep sigh, seemingly held forever. Soon unable to hold back her urges any longer, Lauren placed her hands on Amber's shoulders and playfully pushed the young woman backwards on the bed, her brown hair spilling wildly around her on the pillow. That familiar feeling was stirring within her, the same feeling she experienced when she aggressively fucked Dan. Primal, animal. She had to have this girl now.

  Grasping the waistband of Amber's dampened panties she pulled them down her thighs. The girl parted her legs to her playmate, the delicate garment still bunched around her ankles. She playfully kicked them off with a giggle. Lauren quivered at the sight of Amber as she lay naked on the bed. Any anticipation she may have felt was eclipsed by intense desire. The desire to taste and be tasted, to completely consume this beautiful girl before her. Yet she knew it was best to take it slow, for now. But not for long. Slowly lowering her head between Amber's legs she planted tiny love bites along the insides of her now sticky, moist thighs. The girl squealed softly at the sensation, but soon relaxed into it. Lauren made her way up her leg, watching the younger woman's chest rise and fall, eyes closed and deliciously moaning, "Mmm...".

  She hovered over Amber's mound, feeling the heat radiating against her nose and cheek, inhaling the musky smell of the young woman's sex. Lauren nuzzled her bush and the girl jumped, growing more sensitive to her touch. The dark-skinned seductress ran her fingers through the auburn pubic curls then gently parted her swollen labia with each thumb, revealing the bright pinkness within. Amber spread her legs further to accomodate what was sure to follow. Lauren paused. This was the moment she had waited for, wondered about, dreamt of. Amber could barely contain herself, eager to feel this woman's mouth devouring her between her legs. The tanned beauty began scattering teasing licks along the girl's parted pussy lips, experiencing the bittersweet taste of another woman for the first time. It wasn't far from what she expected, and the thought of what she was doing as she tasted Amber almost put her over the edge.

  The twenty-four-year-old enthusiastically went down on the girl, flicking her tongue and probing deep inside her. The taste of Amber's lubrication was stronger now. Placing her hands under the younger woman's hips she grabbed her soft ass cheeks and pulled her firmly against her mouth, probing the girl's vagina as deeply as she could. Amber rubbed her breasts, pulling firmly on her now painfully-stiff nipples. With the other hand she reached down between her legs, and drawing back the delicate folds that covered her clit, began to masturbate. Glancing over from between Amber's parted thighs, Lauren eyed the boys. Dan's stare was fixed intently on the girls, a look of longing in his eyes. Lauren had seen that look before and she knew what was building inside him. Soon she would feel him inside her, the thickness of his cock pounding away furiously, until she was pleasurably sore. She ached to feel him release deep inside her, the thought of it made her wetter and spurred her on.

  Amber's thighs began to tremble uncontrollably. Lauren emitted muffled groans, encouraging her prey's release, until a pleasurable wave began to sweep through the girl's body. Breathlessly calling out she surrendered and came, violently bucking and grinding her pussy in circular motions against her partner's face. Lauren sat back to watch the girl orgasm. The twenty-two-year-old's movements soon subsided, interspersed with sudden shudders. She collapsed with legs spread, beads of moisture dotting her dark matted pubic hair, sparkling in the light.

Secret Sunday- Last Year In Review (Part One)

 

I posted this on my Life In Quotations blog last month as a recap of secrets that were sent to me last year. I'm posting it for any of you who are new, and will do the second installment next Sunday. I'll be making Secret Sundays a regular feature here as well.  Here goes...

For the first time in my life I am sleeping with 2 different men, during the same period, and they don't know about each other. But I'm still single.

I have a horrible feeling I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight...

Here is my one and major secret that I have never told anyone, I REGRET getting married, I was pushed into it. The only reason I stay is because I truly feel I have no other choice, I have to make this work and push mysefl to a better future then I will divorce this man, no questions asked, on the mean time I consider having sex with other men, all the time, it makes me crazy after all I am only 21.........

I had an abortion last summer, because I don't have a job and I'm really young to have kids, and I feel it is the worst mistake of my life. Now I feel like I don't have the right to have them in the future.

There are so many men in my life and they're all useless, yet I like them being around

I get exhausted trying to make everyone else happy.

I feel trapped in a passionless marriage... a best friend, but no passion, a great provider but no passion.

I'm dreading Sunday...

I have a hard time staying true to myself. I find myself changing to please others.

I think I might be pregnant.

I think my boyfriend is the biggest jerk in the world. I just don't tell him.

I wish more people would depend on me and make me care after them.This way it wont be a crime if i needed attention or leaned on any one....

I like to watch others fail. it makes me feel better

I'm getting tired of trying to take care of myself and someone else.

I want to make out with a girl...

I sometimes wish I lived in Canada to be closer to you. Nothing romantic, just.. A conversation over coffee or a walk by the lake. That would make me the happiest person ever. :)

I am in love with someone who does not love me back. He just pretended for four years. He revealed that secret to me last night.

I think I was in an emotional abusive relationship and didn't realize it. I think he really damaged me than I even realized. This sucks.

I want some hot, dirty, sex.

So do I....

My secret is that I can't stand crying in front of other people and I'll do everything in my power to bottle it up inside if that means I can avoid being vulnerable. It's silly and stupid, but I've always been that way.

I feel so used in the situation I am currently in. I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I'm tired.

I'd sorta like to get laid tonight

The sweat from your body makes my heart pound.... endlessly. Just thinking of you makes me want you. Want you more every day.... in every way...

I hate my self

My ex boyfriend gave me herpes, its been 7 years and only one outbreak.I wish I didn't have it in my blood stream.Explaining it to my future husband is going to be hard.

I look up to my 14 year old sister when it comes to dating and sex. She has things more together than I do.

For once I'd like a successful date - for me that's one that gets a second date. Its a long way from the finding a fulfilling relationship business...

I am not happy.  and I have to pretend that I am okay because everyone thinks I am this depressed boring person, and I can't take their pathetic questioning looks anymore. I am not happy at all.

I read these posts to see how many people write about sex because I am not having sex.

It's probably bad, but I fantasize from time to time of having sex with two men.

while im at work I think about sex all the time. im glad he didn't get me pregnant 2 weeks ago. im glad i went and got the morning after pill when the condom broke.

It feels as if I've known you forever. Your touch. The sweat dripping from your body when we move in motion. Motions of compassion. Compassion so real. I feel you. You're near. Near to me. I love you, forever. I don't know how to express this emotion. It's taking over my whole body. I can feel it.. I can feel it.. coming and going.. The fire of compassion coming from both of us is so unreal. It is so unreal... I love you!! It feel so real, but this is only a fantasy...

I'm terrified of the next two weeks because if I don't get my period I don't know what I'm going to do. Fuck!

i love 2 ladies in the same time

I am afraid I will have to have open heart surgery. I am young. I am not unhealthy. I do not want this to happen.

I'm really in the mood to get laid.

You're the most amazing person, ever. I tell you that all the time but it feels cool doing it anonymously ;) xx

I always feel misunderstood.

I do too.

I'm afraid to talk to my boyfriend about marriage because I'm afraid he doesn't want to marry me...

i secretly want to have an affair so i can feel alive again....

They love me. I know they truly do. And I have given so much of myself, but I fear that I will be rejected in the end, once again. I could not handle another broken heart at this point and time in my life. There's no way.

I really, REALLY am in the mood for sex tonight...including sucking some cock, too!

I wish I could fill the upcoming manager's position at work...then I could turn around and fire half of our team that contiues to harrass/insult the other hardworking individuals on the team!!!

I have so much family responsibility right now. It is overwhelming. I wish I could run away.

I miss what you used to be my life. Life is good right now or it's supposed to feel good, but I feel empty and alone. I dont know what to do or how to feel anymore.

I wanna die tonight.....

is it a crime to wish to be loved? i wish to find my soul mate and spend the rest of my life with him

I wonder if racism would bother me as much if i was white

I know that you just used me, but that's ok because I just used you, and you are a terrible fuck.

I'm contemplating becoming an expatriot, but I don't think I have enough conviction.

I'm scared that one day I'll lose my hearing.

Honey, I love ya. But truly, it would help if you could find my vajayjay without help. At least ONCE?!

I hate my fucking job

I still love him. I know he rejects me, would never even see me- but today when he was down, i couldnt stop myself from reaching out to him, wishing to comfort him, and finding all love coming back.
am i stupid or pathetic?

I love him so much it hurts. I don't think I'll ever find someone who just made me feel complete. That day when he moved the hair from my face and fucked me awake, i had pretended to be still asleep, I fell in love with him and that was the day he fell out of love with me. I hate him so much that I scream til I ruin my voice box. He doesn't even answer my texts. I wish I could crawl into his arms and have him hold me. I want to feel him put his hands on my face again. but its gone and i want it back so bad.

Tonight I feel like killing myself but wont.

I'm scared to death that I can't get anywhere near my dreams, let alone make them come true.

I am so scared to live without him. I am scared he will leave me behind. I am so frightened of living my life right now. I can't stop crying. I can only pray to God to give me serenity for whatever may come my way.

Even suicide seems like an option.

I want a blog award!!! The more we talk the happier I get. I have faith you wont hurt me...

I miss him. I miss him so much and I can't even tell him. fuck.

I may be in love with a man who is 3000 miles away

I am in love with a man 3000 miles away!!

I love pizza so much!

I still love him.

I used to date a guy that when i bit his lower lip it was like a shot of adrenaline to his dick, he would go nuts after I did it and do everything like a man who was starved for affection and had been on a deserted island for years. It was crazy.

I dreamt of someone last night and in some weird way I feel like I hung out with him cuz he was in my dream and it made me happy. I think I need therapy.

I just want a man to love me.

I get irrationaly angry at women I percieve as sexual threats and men that I am attracted to.  I essentially dislike good-looking people.

I just want everything to be okay. I want us to find our way back to each other. The more time passes, the more scared I get that we are only drifting further away.

I just want to be happy and healthy. Boring but true.

Everytime I think of a couple for one of my posts its always me and him. I'd write the story,but never publish the post. What if he reads it? What if he knew I still think of him?It just aint fair how he moved on, and im stuck here...feeling...dislocated

I dreamt about you last night.  I tried to save you. You still hurt me. I still love you.  It still feels the same after more than a year.

I think I'm feeling better b/c he's sort of back. Is he really or am I just fooling myself? At the same time Idk what I'm doing. I wonder whats going to happen? I'm trying to live in the moment with him, but its hard b/c I feel I'm neglecting the other and it's not fair. Not with everything that's happened.

I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on. Every day is like walking on egg shells. I'm ready for the mess to be settled so "we" can be for a change. Please. I'm growing weary...

It's been over a year. I still miss her, I still regret turning into a prize idiot. Mainly I guess because good things don't always come along, however much you wish them to.   

For A Girl Who's Been Living Her Fantasy...

You know who you are. ;)

Crazysexybeautiful 1

Thought I'd start the weekend off with just a few of my favourite things...

"Pregnant III" by Allure and Desire

A Greater Understanding: Self-Harm

One of the greatest benefits of blogging is that it affords us a chance to learn about lifestyles and cultures that we would never know otherwise. Shortly after I started my first blog last year I stumbled upon someone who revealed a world of which I knew very little.

L. was a bi-sexual woman in her late-twenties, involved in a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship with her female partner. She was the submissive in that relationship, as well as in her previous relationship with a male partner.  She also self-injured.  In other words, she willingly cut herself.  The conversation that followed was one of the most valuable experiences I've had in understanding a life lived much differently than my own.  It also raised an important question. 

Why is self-harm not talked about more often?

No way around it, this is a heavy subject.  It's a growing phenomenon, particularly common among girls and starting typically around age fourteen. People who self-harm commonly have eating disorders. They may have a history of sexual, physical, or verbal abuse. Many are sensitive overachievers. Self-injury begins as a defense against what's going on in their lives; it's a way of gaining control.  Psychiatrists believe that for people with emotional problems, self-injury has an effect similar to cocaine and other drugs that release endorphins to create a state of comfort.

Recently on one of my almost-daily visits to the psychology section of my favourite local bookseller, I chanced upon a book written by a woman who experienced this through most of her life. 

                           

Victoria Leatham has written this book under a pseudonym.  Her story began in her late teens with the realization that she was depressed but unsure of how to deal with it.  It continued, and after university she turned to self-harm as an escape.  In her words, "What I wanted-what I needed- was a pain that I could see and deal with.  I couldn't cope with the mess inside me any longer, and cutting myself seemed to be the best solution."

As the book moves forward we read of her struggle over the following years to gain control, in which she experienced (amongst other things) binge drinking, sexual promiscuity and visits to various psychiatrists.  She was prescribed various treatments over time, including numerous medications, and voluntarily had herself institutionalized on a few occasions.  She received the help she needed through cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), in which she came face to face with her thinking and beliefs. CBT commonly entails keeping a diary of significant events and associated feelings, thoughts and behaviors; questioning and testing cognitions, assumptions, evaluations and beliefs that might be unhelpful and unrealistic; gradually facing activities which may have been avoided; and trying out new ways of behaving and reacting.  The most difficult part of this for her was learning not to trust her instincts.

Although this book sounds like an incredibly heavy read, I found it very hard to put down. It's well-written, not at all clinical, and gives a lot of insight into the mind of one person struggling to break free of her demons.  Although she made some unfortunate choices, I was struck by her continuing strength and determination to break free of this behaviour.  She never gave up, but instead continually sought treatment.

Approximately 1% of the US population has inflicted physical injury upon themselves at some time in their life as a way of coping with an overwhelming situation or feeling. Those numbers are most likely an underestimation, because the majority of acts of self-injury go unreported.  The figures are higher in many other countries. I would have liked to have seen the book include information at the end on how to seek help, perhaps include some links to treatment centres.  Otherwise it's an excellent and (I think) important read to gain a greater understanding of this tragic affliction.  Definitely recommended.


As a side note, in preparation for this post I've done some research and found that there are many centres which offer treatment for those who self-harm.  One of the better-known seems to be S.A.F.E. Alternatives (click to link to their site).  If you know any teenagers struggling with similarly serious issues I'm including a link to Young Womens Resource Center (click to link).

Why I Started This Blog

This blog is a natural progression from Life in Quotations. It was never my intent when I first started blogging to explore the hidden corners of other people or myself. But as time went on and trust was gained a lot of things were revealed in confidence, and I soon realized that many of us have things inside we'd like to set free. Most of us keep these secrets hidden for fear that they'll be ridiculed or misunderstood.


Secret Sundays (formerly Secret Fridays) has been proof that people are more likely to share more private sides of themselves under the reassurance of anonymity. Additionally, I've been wanting to explore heavier, more sexual subjects on my original blog but held back as I didn't want to change its direction. This has led me here. The Secret Garden is yours to cultivate, a place to anonymously share anything you want. I'd like to present as many different views and experiences here as possible. So there will be times I'll post something I don't necessarily have interest in or agree with, knowing some of you will.  


I'll need the help of many to keep it nurtured and flourishing.


Things may change over time but here's what I have in mind.  Submit any secrets, fantasies, stories (although not mandatory I'd prefer you identify whether they're real or fictional), experiences you have that you'd like others to better understand (eating disorders, cutting, etc.). You can submit this to me either in the form of an anonymous comment which I'll review and post, or by e-mail at barrysquotations (at)gmail(dot)com. You don't have to identify yourself by e-mail but if your name appears I won't show it anywhere in the post. You have my word.


I'll consider posting everything except the following subjects if presented in a way that's intended to arouse:

• children
• animals
• any form of abuse including rape 

My mandate with this blog is respect and trust.  I've kept my profile identifiable not only so that my current readers may follow if they choose, but as a way of being accountable to those who write in. Trust works both ways.  Finally, while I intend this blog to be no-holds-barred and I consider myself extremely open-minded, I reserve the right to decline anything which I feel is inappropriate.


Welcome to my garden.